Innocent
by ShipperWriter
Summary: He felt like a failure. It didn't help that he knew that he was. S4 AU Angst


"Innocent" by ShipperWriter

Inspired by the song by Taylor Swift

Summary: He felt like a failure. It didn't help that he knew that he was.

* * *

_I guess you really did it this time_

_Left yourself in your war path_

_Lost your balance on a tightrope_

_Lost your mind tryin' to get it back …_

* * *

It took everything the lieutenant colonel to walk away from Colonel Carter and stealthily navigate his way to his quarters.

He barely allowed the doors to close behind him before his worn copy of _War and Peace_ hit the floor with much more force than necessary.

He dropped onto his bed like a dead weight.

That was all he felt like.

Dead.

Why was it that the powers that be decided his mission in life was to continually disappoint people? Especially those closest to you?

Especially her.

He groaned, covering his face with his hands.

He felt like a failure.

It didn't help that he knew that he was.

* * *

_Did some things you can't speak of_

_But at night you live it all again_

* * *

After they had rescued her - he still had trouble remembering that they actually found her - he had avoided her at first. It wasn't that he couldn't stand the sight of her; he didn't think she would forgive him. So he found ways to cleverly keep himself occupied. Actually doing all his paperwork. The right way. Cleaning up his room, reorganizing everything, even repositioning the Johnny Cash poster on the gray walls.

He even volunteered for mess duty one night, leading the majority of the expedition to wonder about the change in their military leader. And if it was contagious.

His stubbornness continued until she showed up at his door, just past midnight, and without a word he stepped back and let her enter the confines.

* * *

_Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything_

_Everybody believed in you …_

* * *

He watched her small frame, made even more fragile from weeks of malnutrition, as she wandered into the room, readjusting herself to the objects he placed in random spots.

He let out a mirthless chuckle. "So."

Elizabeth kept silent, running her hand over everything, touching everything so desperately, almost as if she were memorizing how it all felt.

"Why haven't you come to see me?" she asked, the pain she felt evident in her voice.

He shrugged, sitting down on his bed. "They've been busy with all the medical tests since - you know. Figured you could use some space."

"I have been sitting on a barren planet for three weeks, John. _Space_," she harshly emphasized, making him wince, "is the last thing I need right now."

John lost his voice. He rarely saw Elizabeth as open and exposed as she was right now; the Replicators had definitely taken their toll on her, despite the short time span. The fact that she was about to bite his head off attested to that. It was emphasized even more by how loosely her regulation red shirt hung over her shoulders.

"I shouldn't have left you there," he whispered in a voice that seemed borrowed, so full of regret.

Elizabeth stared at him, mouth slightly agape. "John. Do you think I'm mad at you?"

"No, not mad. It's just … God, 'Lizbeth, after everything we've been through, after what I did to you, how can you just _forgive_ me? I just don't see it!"

"This isn't your fault, I told you to leave me there-"

"I didn't bring all my people home!''

"But I'm home now! Isn't that worth something?"

"You shouldn't have left in the first place!" he roared, the force of his words momentarily putting Elizabeth off balance.

"You never should've been hit by that beam! You never should've had the nanites reactivated, and you never should've been attacked by him anyway. And I - I never should've left you," he said softly, closing his eyes as the impact of his words settled across the small room. Which seemed to be getting smaller with every moment that passed.

Elizabeth released a shuddered gasp. "John …"

"I was supposed to protect you. You were in the city. So was I. I couldn't even protect you here."

She sat down on the bed next to him, but not too closely.

"John," she softly whispered, cupping his cheeks with her small, slender hands.

He resisted at first, then he let her turn his head.

"I'm not mad at you. It happened. It hurt. I'm back. _That_ is all that matters. Not what you couldn't prevent. Not what you wish never would've happened."

"But I messed up - I still …" he trailed off, the words disappearing from his tongue as quickly as the flames burning in his mind.

"Feel my hands." She scooted just an inch closer, gingerly laying her head on his shoulder. "Smell my hair. On second thought, maybe not."

He chuckled, laying his head atop her mess of dark curls.

After a moment of silence in the dark room, she whispered, "I can hear your heart beat. Listen to mine. It's still there. It's still yours."

He tried to hide the tear that made a sudden dart down his cheek, but as he went to wipe it away, her hand caught his.

"This isn't over, John," she reminded him with a grimace. "I still have to report to Earth for another physical and an intensive screening with the IOA and General Landry. I still need you. I need my partner. I need my best friend, who has gone through hell and high water for me, and would do it again in a heartbeat."

"Why me?" he asked simply, pulling back to bring her face into focus again.

She sighed. "When I first met you, I couldn't tell you why. By some people's opinion, you were the last person I should've trusted." She met his dark hazel eyes and smiled. "But you're the only one who understands how I think, what I feel, what I need …"

"It's only gonna happen again," he intoned with certainly and sadness.

She brought her hands back up to his face and, with a strength he didn't think she possessed at the moment, pulled him towards her, letting her lips make soft contact with his.

The kiss lingered after she pulled back and John stared at her, slightly wide-eyed. "'Lizbeth?"

"Who you are isn't determined by what you do. You're not a murderer, you're not a terrorist. You're a man. And I'm a woman who … who believes in you with every fiber of my being. Yes, knowing what we face out here, it will probably happen again. But I would rather face it being with you every day, every night," she added with a slight twinkle in her eye that automatically tilted John's lips upward, "and with you at my side than alone and wondering what could've been. Just let it go."

Slowly, he nodded, keeping his hand tightly intertwined with hers.

"You paused."

"Hmm?"

"You paused, just now. You said, 'I'm a woman who …' and you paused." He smirked at her, visible even in the darkness. "What were you gonna say?"

"Exactly what I said," she replied. The glint in her eyes said otherwise.

He narrowed his eyes. He smiled. "Oh, God. I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"I can deal with anything as long as I have you here with me."

He hung his head, shaking the ironic chuckle off his face. "You have too much faith in me."

She inclined her head. "But it has never failed me. And it never will. All right?"

He nodded in agreement, then let out a yawn.

Elizabeth started to stand. "I should go bef-"

"Stay here." John's determined hand wouldn't let hers go. His steely gaze was roaming her face, any uncertainty fading.

"John-"

"Just so I can make sure you catch up on your sleep. We'll figure this out in the morning, okay?"

After a puppy look, she finally gave in. He stood to pull the covers back from the bed as she took off her boots. She inserted herself under the covers as he peeled his shoes off, then sat on the edge.

She extended the blanket. "Hold me tonight. Make sure I don't go anywhere."

As he curled around her, pulling the sheets up to his shoulders, he let out a very sleepy sounding, "Yes, ma'am," and they both drifted to sleep. All the worries of the day, week, month, flew out the window rather quickly.

John finally got a full night of sleep.

* * *

_Who you are is not what you did_

_You're still an innocent_

* * *

FIN.


End file.
